How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
BILL BAILEYThe way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’
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Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
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I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
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The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that’s undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right
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A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says “Why the long face?”. The horse replies: “I’m deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.”
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
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What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
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I’m a vegetarian, I’m not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they’re nearly fish aren’t they.
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
BILL BAILEY