Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
BILL BAILEYContentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
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Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
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Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
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I’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
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The reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.
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If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that’s undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.
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Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.
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It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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This shed does not contain me.
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What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
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Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying ‘Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.’
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Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right
BILL BAILEY