Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
BILL BAILEYContentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people’s doors and running away. God that was a good game.
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Thank God for Darwin, eh?
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Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.
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My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn’t just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
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Work hard, save and live within your means.
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Stupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”
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Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
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It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.
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I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
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Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
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I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you’ve got to admire the workmanship.
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I’m a vegetarian, I’m not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they’re nearly fish aren’t they.
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There’s more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
BILL BAILEY