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Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.

Bill Bailey

Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, “Hullo, we’re out of milk. I say mother, where’s the milk?”
BILL BAILEY

Funny Humor Milk Mother
Stupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”
BILL BAILEY

Fighting Funny Humor Message Pineapple Stupid
Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
BILL BAILEY

Littles Stupid Three
How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
BILL BAILEY

Eight Funny Humor Light Screw
Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.
BILL BAILEY

Funny Humor Natural Swan
But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
BILL BAILEY

Country Funny Humor Shootest
A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says “Why the long face?”. The horse replies: “I’m deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.”
BILL BAILEY

Anthropomorphic Aspects Funny Horse Humor
Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
BILL BAILEY

Finished Funny Humor Unique
I try to appreciate the simple things. I’ve just been camping with my son and I enjoyed that just as much if not more than a holiday in a posh hotel. I like making a cup of tea and bacon sarnie in the morning.
BILL BAILEY

Enjoyed Holiday Morning Son
Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
BILL BAILEY

Earning Fluctuate Gigs Lasts Profession
I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
BILL BAILEY

Chocolate Despair Disappointment
Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
BILL BAILEY

Cheese Funny Humor West
I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people’s doors and running away. God that was a good game.
BILL BAILEY

Country Foxes Funny Knocking Running Scrambling
Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
BILL BAILEY

Animal Come Fruit Stealing
The reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.
BILL BAILEY

Biscuits Fire Funny Humor Spontaneous
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
BILL BAILEY

Animal Funny Humor Still Trained

Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.

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Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.

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