I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
BILL BAILEYWhat I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
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Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
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I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.
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Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.
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What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says “Why the long face?”. The horse replies: “I’m deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.”
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Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying ‘Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.’
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I tend to go through periods worrying, “Where am I going, I can’t see a way out of this,” and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.
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Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
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I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’
BILL BAILEY






