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I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people’s doors and running away. God that was a good game.

Bill Bailey

Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
BILL BAILEY

Earning Fluctuate Gigs Lasts Profession
Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.
BILL BAILEY

Laughing Lavender Orange
The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
BILL BAILEY

Bafflingly Jump Paralyzing Philosophical Spider
What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
BILL BAILEY

Funny Harp Humor Long
I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
BILL BAILEY

Bonus College Fun Paid Suddenly Teaching
If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that’s undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.
BILL BAILEY

Easier Enough Happiness Thinking Undeniable
I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars… I’m not bitter at all.
BILL BAILEY

Dollars Funny Humor Work
Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
BILL BAILEY

Funny Humor Vegetarianism
I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.
BILL BAILEY

Corresponding Funny Humor Long Thinking
I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
BILL BAILEY

Funny Humor Magazine True
Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
BILL BAILEY

Funny Humor Outcome Three
Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
BILL BAILEY

Door Funny Humor Jobs More
It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
BILL BAILEY

Funny Humor Life Outlook
I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
BILL BAILEY

Existentialist Funny Humor
Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
BILL BAILEY

Funny Humor Keyboard Loose Sound
This shed does not contain me.
BILL BAILEY

Funny Humor Shed

I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people’s doors and running away. God that was a good game.

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I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people’s doors and running away. God that was a good game.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

More Bill Bailey Quotes