“If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?”

I’m looking for something that gives me a chance to stretch. Because I have my own work, and I can do anything I want in my own work – juggle, tap dance, anything I want.

I always look old when I work because I get so upset and tense that my face wrinkles up like a prune, I can’t stop it.

In a marriage, you struggle and struggle and struggle, and then you realize that you have to ride the horse in the direction it’s going. You stop trying to pull the reins in another direction.

People have an obligation to live up to their potential.

Honey, I can smell the scent of another woman from 500 paces.

Even if the whole human race dies off because we keep fighting and killing each other and being heartless, the planet will take care of itself. Eventually, after millions of years.

Total contentment is only for cows.

If you’re passionate about something, then you should pick up your flag and run with it.

A lot of people say that my life is wasted on me because I could be a bigger asshole than I am, but I’ve chosen not to be.

The outside world doesn’t have a lot to offer. You have to make your own heaven in your own home.

There’s a kind of emotional exploration you plumb with a friend that you don’t really do with your family.

I’m mad about God! That’s why I’m divine.

If I don’t feel right about what I’m in, I don’t feel right about anything.

[On Denmark:] … that little country of cottage cheese and courage.

I tried to charm the pants off Bob Dylan, but everyone will be disappointed to learn that I was unsuccessful. I got close – a couple of fast feels in the front seat of a Cadillac.

Men’s brains are smaller than those of women so they can fit into their penises.

When a man begins to be hilarious in a sorrowful way you can bet a million that he is dyeing his hair.

Shakira is a new friend, but I love her dearly already. She’s so sweet and adorable and hilarious.

I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human, with the soul of a clown which forces me to blow it at the most important moments.

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.

I find what I do for a living really funny. I mean, acting is kind of a hilarious thing for a grown man to call a job.

I am the mother of a 6-year-old now, so that’s changed my entire perspective.

There’s a lot of cat videos. Cats are just hilarious.

I don’t want to be alone, I want to be left alone.