“If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important Rule of Beauty. “Who cares?””

Sometimes if you have a difficult decisin to make, just stall until the answer presents itself.

And I can see Russia from my house.

Read! When your baby is finally down for the night, pick up a juicy book like Eat, Pray, Love or Pride and Prejudice or my personal favorite,Understanding Sleep Disorders: Narcolepsy and Apnea.

It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie, Revolver. Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.

Not only is my wardrobe totally average, my body’s totally average. I love all the candy-fantasy fulfillment of Sex and the City.

I think part of picking where you live in New York is accepting who you are. Really looking at yourself and going, ‘Yeah, I’m not cool enough for the West Village.’

I want every day to be the most boring news day ever. I want every day to be about spelling bee champions and baby basketball. It’s better to have no comedy material than a horrific news day.

It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring on live TV.

When actors are too good-looking, I can’t memorize them. For example, I have never seen a picture of Sienna Miller where I didn’t say, “That girl’s pretty. Who is that?

I have no affinity for animals. I don’t hate animals and I would never hurt an animal; I just don’t actively care about them.

I was a little excited but mostly blorft. “Blorft” is an adjective I just made up that means ‘Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.’ I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.

For my first show at ‘SNL’, I wrote a Bill Clinton sketch, and during our read-through, it wasn’t getting any laughs.

According to a new study, women in satisfying marriages are less likely to develop cardiovascular diseases than unmarried women. So don’t worry, lonely women, you’ll be dead soon.

Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue.

I got a fan letter on the back of a prison menu. And I remember thinking, ‘Well, they get pie. It’s not so bad. They get pie on the weekends.’ I want to say blueberry and also a Boston cream pie. Not so bad.

When humor works, it works because it’s clarifying what people already feel. It has to come from someplace real.

I think women dress for other women to let them know what their deal is. Because if women were only dressing for men, there would be nothing but Victoria’s Secret. There would be no Dior.

Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion.

It’s hilarious a lot of times. You have a conversation with someone, and he’s like, ‘You speak so well!’ I’m like, ‘What do you mean? Do you understand that’s an insult?

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It’s much sexier than any body part.

When a man begins to be hilarious in a sorrowful way you can bet a million that he is dyeing his hair.

Shakira is a new friend, but I love her dearly already. She’s so sweet and adorable and hilarious.

I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human, with the soul of a clown which forces me to blow it at the most important moments.