“I don’t know how many of you have been to New York, but if a building is two blocks away from anything, you can’t see it.”

There is a subset of Democrats who tend to mis-fill out ballots. The way you mark the ballot is like an S.A.T. – you fill in the circle. And the subset of people who tend to, like, put a check there instead, or an X, or fill it out wrong.

People lucky enough to live in the vicinity of an industrial hog farm are, with each breath, made keenly aware of the cause of their declining property values.

Some of George W. Bush’s friends say that Bush believes God called him to be president during these times of trial.

I do personal attacks only on people who specialize in personal attacks.

When you live in New York, one of two things happen – you either become a New Yorker, or you feel more like the place you came from.

We don’t know how many Russian oligarchs have invested in his business.

I can assure you, this is not about spying on the American people.

I also focus on Bush and his administration – who do a lot of lying – and how a right-wing media has allowed them to get away with a lot of stuff that, in a different media environment, they probably wouldn’t be able to get away with.

Which is why I think any loving, committed couple — gay or straight — should be able to get married.

I’m part of the mushball middle. I consider ‘confused’ the majority position because, thankfully.

Today I will masterbate! Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written “Today I will masterbate–if I want to!

When you encounter seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice, ignore them both.

I like the liberal tradition; I like the Hubert Humphrey tradition fighting for civil rights.

But God told me that He/She/It had actually chosen Al Gore by making sure that Gore won the popular vote and, God thought, the Electoral College. ‘That worked for everyone else,’ God said.

Rush Limbaugh is what I call a disinfotainer. He entertains by spreading disinformation.

I’ve been a producer and led people. Also, being a comedian, you’re under pressure.

My message to little kids who aspire to be anything they want to be is to listen to their parents.

Nothing in the world is permanent, and we’re foolish when we ask anything to last, but surely we’re still more foolish not to take delight in it while we have it.

When you feel good in a clothing anything can happen.

People are, if anything, more touchy about being thought silly than they are about being thought unjust.

You can do anything in this world if you are prepared to take the consequences.

Anything I would do, I would have to be me. That is how it would work.

If a man is to be obsessed by something, I suppose a boat is as good as anything, perhaps a bit better than most.

Life has no plot. It is by far more interesting than anything you can say about it.