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I’m black, and black don’t crack. It does droop.

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Black Crack Doe Droop

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I have one girlfriend who is dating right now – she’s divorced – and she’s on Tinder, so we play Tinder. I know that’s not a real game, but it’s my favorite thing to do.
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Dating Divorce Favorite Game Girlfriend Now Play Real Right Tinder
I’m just going to be the best version of me that I could possibly be and be as funny as I possibly can.
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Being Best Find Funny Going People Possibly Version
I’m black, and black don’t crack. It does droop.
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Black Crack Doe Droop
When I was younger, those kinds of comments bothered me, but eventually got to a point where I realized I wasn’t going to change who I was.
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Bother Change Comment Eventually Going Kind Point Realize Younger
All these young books for women are like I’m 29 with a closet full of Prada shoes and I can’t get a date. Come on.
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All Book Closet Come Date Like Prada Shoe Women Young
I love Toronto. I love it. I love Toronto. I love Canada. I can’t wait to get back. Can’t wait to have some Timbits.
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Back Country Some Toronto Wait Waiting
My parents were vegetarians. I’d show up at school, this giant black kid, with none of the cool clothes and a tofu sandwich and celery sticks.
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Cloth Kids Parent School Stick Vegetarian
I love to be busy and be challenged. I’m my happiest when I’m under pressure and almost overwhelmed by how much I have to get done.
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Almost Challengee Done Happiest Lucky Much Overwhelmed Pressure Under Wish
I was not one of those people who wanted to be a comedian when I was growing up. I liked comedy, but didn’t know it was something you could do for a living.
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College Comedian Growing Kid Loving People Up Wanted
I take the most wrenchingly painful moments of my life, brush them off and present them for the amusement of others. Luckily for me, my childhood was torture.
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Amusement Brush Childhood Life Luckily Moment Other Painful Torture Wrenching
Marriage isn’t a carnival ride.
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Carnival Marriage Ride
I don’t want to be pandered to, so I try not to pander.
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Pander So Try Want
Maybe the nails are a little stubby and gnawed on, but I definitely do not have man hands.
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Definitely Gnawed Hand Man Maybe Nail Stubby
I really do know football.
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Do Football Know Really
“Trust me, you don’t want to have to actually interact with these people.”
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Actual Interact Me People Trust
On general principle, I boycott shows that don’t employ actors.
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Actor Boycott Employ General Principle Show

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