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I’m harmless. I don’t have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. When people know you’re that way, you can say stuff that the creepy guy at your office could never get away with.

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Anybody Harmless Ill Know People Thought Towards

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.
ADAM CAROLLA

Fake Funny Humor None Orgasm Two Type Women
As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They’re the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math.
ADAM CAROLLA

Bird Book Escape Mean Moving Relieved
I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I’ll never get to do that.
ADAM CAROLLA

Funny Humor never Next One Thought Two
It’s funny when you’re a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.
ADAM CAROLLA

Acclimate Anything Funny Kid
The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.
ADAM CAROLLA

Equal Everything Footing Hate Publicist Rid Thinking
If you’ve driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it’s like a golf course… Real estate values go ‘boom!’
ADAM CAROLLA

Act Boom Country Driven Gay Golf Real Rule Section Value
If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you’ll have a good life.
ADAM CAROLLA

Business Dog Family Focus Fun Good Life
When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
ADAM CAROLLA

Arrival Funny Humor Smell Trumpet
I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.
ADAM CAROLLA

Amount Art Get Joke Naked People Probably Reality Standing Telling Thinking
All’s the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.
ADAM CAROLLA

Army Decent Government Manageable Rate Regulation Standing Tax
I didn’t have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.
ADAM CAROLLA

Age Life Positive Show Story Success Year
Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money – do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.
ADAM CAROLLA

Attracted Chick Doing Happen Love Dude Money Successful
I don’t know anything about computers.
ADAM CAROLLA

Aware Computer Function Know Knowlege Work
Life is just the time between crapping yourself.
ADAM CAROLLA

Crapping Experience Explore Life Yourself
I’ve never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I’ve never left behind.
ADAM CAROLLA

Finished Funny Humor Masturbatory Pizza Session Two
That’s an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone… forever?
ADAM CAROLLA

Forever Funny Humor Interesting Philosophical Question

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