I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERGIf carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
MITCH HEDBERG