I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
MITCH HEDBERGIf carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
MITCH HEDBERG