My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
MITCH HEDBERGI don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERG -
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
MITCH HEDBERG -
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
MITCH HEDBERG -
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
MITCH HEDBERG -
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
MITCH HEDBERG -
I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
MITCH HEDBERG