I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
MITCH HEDBERGI don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
MITCH HEDBERG