Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
W. C. FIELDSI personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
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I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
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Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
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I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
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Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
W. C. FIELDS