“My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.”

Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.

I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

I never eat before breakfast.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.

I don’t do facials – I don’t really enjoy people picking at my skin. I’d rather a dermatologist who’s a doctor for that do that.

I’m an armchair psychologist, I suppose, and I like to kind of sit around and guess and pretend I know what’s going on.

The scar on my eye is a result of the doctor’s sewing up my face. It was 450 stitches and plastic surgery.

I’m strongly for a patient Bill of Rights. Decisions ought to be made by doctors, not accountants.

Jesus needs neither books nor Doctors of Divinity in order to instruct souls; He, the Doctor of Doctors, He teaches without noise of words.

It’s hard work making movies. It’s like being a doctor: you work long hours, very hard hours, and it’s emotional, tense work. If you don’t really love it, then it ain’t worth it.

A great doctor kills more people than a great general.

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman.