Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
BILLY CONNOLLYI set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
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Life is supposed to be fun. It’s not a job or occupation. We’re here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.
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I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
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I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
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I don’t aim to offend.
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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”
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I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
BILLY CONNOLLY