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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.

Billy Connolly

I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
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Audience Differences Offended People You
I’m a huge film star… but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f–ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f–ing Muppet movie.
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Firsts Guy Minute Movie Stars
Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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International Language Music Sorry Swear
I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
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Britain Europe Thinking
I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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Documentaries Glasses Hate People
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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Crosses Malfunction
I’m a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world’s a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they’re delightful. They all want so little.
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Citizens People Represented Thinking
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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Funny Humor Jesus
I just believe in the movie. I don’t care what the book was like. I don’t care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I’ve got.
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Believe Book Care Film Movie
I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
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Dog Doors Independent Stuff
When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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Air School
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
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Arses Channel People Rooms Search
Without arts programmes there’s only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.
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Art Needs Reality
It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
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Christianity Different Religion Thing
I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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Becoming Engineer Joined Knowing Queues
I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
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Brought Catholic Guilt Level

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.

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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.

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