A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
BILLY CONNOLLYI set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I loathe hecklers. I haven’t got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone.
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
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Outgrew the media… The negativity felt like a disease.
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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Without arts programmes there’s only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.
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Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it’s like they’re in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
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I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That’s what girls do. I think I am a girl really.
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I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
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I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
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