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I once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said ‘Dad, you’re wrong.’

Bill Bailey

Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
BILL BAILEY

Contentment Happiness Knowing Someone
Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
BILL BAILEY

Funny Humor Keyboard Loose Sound
How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
BILL BAILEY

Eight Funny Humor Light Screw
I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars… I’m not bitter at all.
BILL BAILEY

Dollars Funny Humor Work
If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that’s undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.
BILL BAILEY

Easier Enough Happiness Thinking Undeniable
Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
BILL BAILEY

Funny Humor Vegetarianism
But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
BILL BAILEY

Country Funny Humor Shootest
Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying ‘Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.’
BILL BAILEY

Country Funny Humor Over People
Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
BILL BAILEY

Clubs Fashion Marijuana
There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
BILL BAILEY

Couple Funny Hold Humor Position
The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
BILL BAILEY

Electricity Kings Law People Running
Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
BILL BAILEY

Funny Humor Long Nostalgia
Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
BILL BAILEY

Earning Fluctuate Gigs Lasts Profession
At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time.
BILL BAILEY

College Jobs Thinking Time Whole
Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.
BILL BAILEY

Funny Humor Natural Swan
I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
BILL BAILEY

Department Funny Humor Organization

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said ‘Dad, you’re wrong.’

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I once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said ‘Dad, you’re wrong.’

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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