Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
BILLY CONNOLLYIf you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I’ve been a poser for f–ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
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There’s nothing like it, but it’s not as good as you think it’s going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club’s badge – but not a sausage.
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Wisdom isn’t an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn’t an answer. It’s a question.
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I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
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I just believe in the movie. I don’t care what the book was like. I don’t care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I’ve got.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
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I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
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I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
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When I read ‘Be real, don’t get caught acting,’ I thought, ‘How the hell do you do that?’.
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If I had a hammer, there’d be no more folksingers.
BILLY CONNOLLY







