Work hard, save and live within your means.
BILL BAILEYToughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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This shed does not contain me.
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Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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There’s more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
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I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
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Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying ‘Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.’
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Contentment is knowing you’re right
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I’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
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I’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.
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Relaxed Empiricism — I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
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I’m sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.
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It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
BILL BAILEY







