It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
BILL BAILEYTelevision is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you’re just doing the odd appearance, you don’t know if it will carry on.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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I’m a vegetarian, I’m not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they’re nearly fish aren’t they.
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Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
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I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
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I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’
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In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we’re united and enjoy life – Without unity we are victims. Stay united.
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Work hard, save and live within your means.
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I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.
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It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
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American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
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The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we’re still alive, before we die.
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I’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.
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I tend to go through periods worrying, “Where am I going, I can’t see a way out of this,” and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.
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Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, “Hullo, we’re out of milk. I say mother, where’s the milk?”
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Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
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I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
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I’m sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.
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Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right
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If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that’s undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.
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Thank God for Darwin, eh?
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The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
BILL BAILEY