A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
BILLY CONNOLLYMy parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Don’t vote, it only encourages them.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
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It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
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I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
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I loathe hecklers. I haven’t got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone.
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I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
BILLY CONNOLLY






