“My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.”

A testimony is a testimony, and it should be respected, whether it is small or large.

Don’t work out, work in.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.

Golf’s really fun in Japan because of the women caddies. … I saw one guy start out playing alone with his caddie.

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

I’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.

Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

Wisdom isn’t an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn’t an answer. It’s a question.

I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

I remove a lot of the pressure from myself by saying I’m not competing with my parents. They are the persons who taught me my ideology. They actively practiced what they preached. They’re the exemplars and the role models. So how does one compete with a mentor?

My own parents were touchy-feely.

My massive motivation in life is to make parents proud. But even that has to stop at a point.

I recently watched that Lucie Arnaz-produced documentary [Lucy and Desi: A Home Movie, 1992] about her parents [Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz], and I saw so much of my own childhood there.

My parents were secular. I am an atheist.

My parents showed me by example that they could balance their work and family lives.

At 15 I had moved out of my parents’ place, and my options were looking pretty narrow. But I had this acting thing and I just wanted to be able to keep going because it was really good. That was all I wanted.

Given the choice, children who don’t want for anything will not save… We have an obligation as parents to give our children what they need. What they want we can give them as a special gift, or they can save their money for it.