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I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

Billy Connolly

Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you’ve blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that… wrll, it’s because the national anthem is boring.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Anthem Boring Country Funny Humor
I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Britain Europe Thinking
Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Expensive Looks Stolen
The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Apparently Men Race Sex Women
As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Country Reserves Successful
I don’t aim to offend.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Offended Target The Aim
Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Comedy Euthanasia Fame
I’ve been a poser for f–ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Arses Laughing Pose Say Years
I’m a huge film star… but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f–ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f–ing Muppet movie.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Firsts Guy Minute Movie Stars
A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
BILLY CONNOLLY

Brother Funny Girlfriend Mine
When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Accident Alright Funny Humor Thanks
My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Department Parent Pet Zoos
Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Baby Bastard Purpose
I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Desert Drawing Islands Middle Page
I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Country Days Reinvents Two
I loathe hecklers. I haven’t got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Circuit Different Hecklers Syllable Tickets

I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

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I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

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