“I’m completely changing my diet. My nutritionist recommends I must now stop eating food I have already eliminated.”

You get a lot of people requesting photographs but I tend to keep myself to myself, pull my cap down.

Paul Riser tells it in an interesting way; he dissects it and tells the structure, you know, ‘you don’t mention that part here.’ But that’s what’s interesting about it and the people who are absent are interesting too.

Just a tip if you have a big event to go to or an important meeting, if you cry enough your face swells up giving you a temporary lift.

I was going to do a big radio show, and I said to my driver, ‘Radio can wait, take me to the Full House house.’ It literally was a drive-by.

We don’t measure our people’s success in how they’re doing in government. We measure how they are doing in the real world and the private sector economy.

Just went to the gym and worked on every body part. Four people slapped me.

It’s okay to get stoned, as long as its not by other people.

When you’re famous, you’re always famous. It doesn’t go away.

He suffered from paralysis by analysis.

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that’s how he dealt with my mom.

Stop It, stop lighting your butthol on fire, and everybody listen to me. If you light your ass on fire, I hope you have boxers or a filter of somekind, because if your a bareass person.

An inch of progress is worth more than a yard of complaint.

What do you do if you’re in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

I went to school to be an actor in Canada and realized I hated auditions once I left, which is a huge problem if you want to get a part.

Words matter. Especially ones with four letters.

Kindness isn’t just a virtue, its a necessity.