“I think comedy is on an organic upsurge right now because when I started, it was 1978 at The Comedy Store and Letterman had just stopped emceeing his morning show.”

He suffered from paralysis by analysis.

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that’s how he dealt with my mom.

Stop It, stop lighting your butthol on fire, and everybody listen to me. If you light your ass on fire, I hope you have boxers or a filter of somekind, because if your a bareass person.

An inch of progress is worth more than a yard of complaint.

What do you do if you’re in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

I went to school to be an actor in Canada and realized I hated auditions once I left, which is a huge problem if you want to get a part.

Words matter. Especially ones with four letters.

Kindness isn’t just a virtue, its a necessity.

My favorite Dylan song? I think it’s ‘Just Like a Woman.’ It always makes me cry.

As much as I love the whole pirate kind of thing, the quality suffers.

Met a girl the other nite and told her- Before you can be with someone you have to know the value of yourself. So does $200 seem reasonable?

I will always prefer a hardback book, but I’m drawn to digital because it’s so easy to acquire them when I’m having a need-to-read moment.

My father once told me, and it’s stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward.

People do what they do to each other and they feed on it.

When someone you love is hurting, if it was possible, you’d want to take their pain for them. But do I really want cramps and sore boobs?

I don’t roll like that but I’ve never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that’s good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people grew up watching me and that’s a little disturbing.