“Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you’ve blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that… wrll, it’s because the national anthem is boring.”

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

Wisdom isn’t an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn’t an answer. It’s a question.

I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’

I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.

Outgrew the media… The negativity felt like a disease.

Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.

Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.

Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?

I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.

The only thing I can cheer for in Philadelphia is the national anthem.

We’re going to be the best in the league at something. We’re deep in anthem singers.

Money is the anthem, of succes, so put on your mascara and your party dress.