“You’ve taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations.”

As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever.

Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.

I’ve been interested in cartooning all my life. I read the comics as a kid, and I did cartoons for high school publications – the newspaper and yearbook and soon. In college, I got interested in political cartooning and did political cartoons.

Calvin: Dad where do babies come from? Dad: Well Calvin, you simply go to Sears, buy the kit and follow the assembly instructions. Calvin: I came from Sears? Dad: No you were a blue-light special at K-Mart – almost as good and a lot cheaper!

Since September it’s just gotten colder and colder. There’s less daylight now, I’ve noticed too. This can only mean one thing – the sun is going out. In a few more months the Earth will be a dark and lifeless ball of ice. Dad says the sun isn’t going out.

They can’t chain my spirit! My spirit runs free! Walls can’t contain it! Laws can’t restrain it! Authority has no power over it!

I’m killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.

Few things are less comforting than a tiger who’s up too late.

The way Calvin’s brain is wired, you can almost hear the fuses blowing.

I don’t enjoy lettering very much, but that’s the way I write and that belongs in the strip because the strip is a reflection of me.

Ah, the life of a newspaper cartoonist – how I miss the groupies, drugs and trashed hotel rooms!

Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any swear words.

To invent your own life’s meaning is not easy, but it’s still allowed, and I think you’ll be happier for the trouble.

Years from now, when I’m successful and happy, …and he’s in prison… I hope I’m not too mature to gloat.

So, what’s it like in the real world? Well, the food is better, but beyond that, I don’t recommend it.

Calvin: ME TARZAN! KING OF JUNGLE! Suzy: Nice underpants. Does your mom know you’re over here like this? Calvin:…I don’t think Jane EVER said that to Tarzan.

Yeah, I’ve done Jim Breuer’s radio show a couple times, and I heard from Larry the Cable Guy when I got ‘Mike & Molly,’ wishing me congratulations.

I learned that very often the most intolerant and narrow-minded people are the ones who congratulate themselves on their tolerance and open-mindedness.

I think Joshua has been doing a good job winning his fights and beating the guys in front of him. You got to congratulate him for his success.

Curious that we spend more time congratulating people who have succeeded than encouraging people who have not.

We sometimes congratulate ourselves at the moment of waking from a troubled dream; it may be so the moment after death.

Congratulations! Today is your day!