“If ur going to have a war on drugs, have them against ALL drugs, including alcohol, the number one offender.”

Women priests. Great, great. Now there’s priests of both sexes I don’t listen to.

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

Shut up! Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control. Here’s Love Connection. Watch this and get fat and stupid.

I ascribe to Mark Twain’s theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say ‘Yeah? When?’

People in the United Kingdom and outside the United States share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn’t share with itself.

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. “I believe God created me in one day”. Yeah, looks like He rushed it

I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don’t know, and I feel it’s my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready?. . . . Non-smokers die every day . . .

I’m tired of this back-slappin’ “isn’t humanity neat” bullshit. We’re a virus with shoes.

I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f-kin’ mouth.

It has become more and more obvious that there is one political party in America, and that is The Business Party.

Mister, I don’t want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don’t even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain’t looking for no trouble, Mister.

What did moths bump into before the electric light bulb was invented? Boy, the lightbulb really screwed the moth up didn’t it? Are there moths on their way to the sun now going, It’s gonna be worth it!.

I’m glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, “My God! I love everything.” Yeah, now if that isn’t a hazard to our country…

What before seemed a…frustrating wall, the comic deftly and fearlessly steps through, proving the absurdity of it all.

Do I have a message? Yes, I do. Here’s my message: as scary as the world is – and it is – it is merely a ride …

Rigging is like Zen meditation. You must bend over the boat until your back is breaking, until your brain is filled with numbers and fractions of numbers, until you can accurately measure an oarlock’s pitch without bothering to use the pitch meter. Only then will you see the way of eternal rigging happiness.

I chose the name Pi because it’s an irrational number (one with no discernable pattern). Yet scientists use this irrational number to come to a “rational” understanding of the universe. To me, religion is a bit like that, “irrational” yet with it we come together we come to a sound understanding of the universe.

Of course I know our economic growth can’t match our population growth so of course I know we’ll all get poorer until we get that number down – don’t tell me, tell the other idiots!

My point was that removing Saddam should not have been our highest priority. Fighting terrorism should have been our number one concern, followed by the Palestinian peace process.

My value as a woman is not measured by the size of my waist or the number of men who like me.

The trouble with being number one in the world – in anything- is that it takes a certain mentality to attain that position, and that is something of a driving, perfectionist attitude, so that once you do achieve number one, you don’t relax and enjoy it.

Everyone, no matter what their marital circumstance or number of children, can be defenders of the Lord’s plan described in the family proclamation. If it is the Lord’s plan, it should also be our plan!

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they’re under thirteen, just do them in your head.