I don’t understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I’m amazed what people come up with when they look at them.
BILLY CONNOLLYWithout arts programmes there’s only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
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I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
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I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.
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I loathe hecklers. I haven’t got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone.
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I’ve never done a comedy club in my life. It’s weird because I don’t have the same background as most comics. I don’t have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
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The more you know the less the better.
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I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”
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Sometimes there’s a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I’ve ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
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I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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didn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
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I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
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Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it’s like they’re in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique.
BILLY CONNOLLY