Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, “Hullo, we’re out of milk. I say mother, where’s the milk?”
BILL BAILEYYes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, “Hullo, we’re out of milk. I say mother, where’s the milk?”
BILL BAILEYContentment is knowing you’re right
BILL BAILEYTonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
BILL BAILEYAdd a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.
BILL BAILEYYou remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey.
BILL BAILEYLive comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
BILL BAILEYThree women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
BILL BAILEYPeople say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
BILL BAILEYCome to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
BILL BAILEYWelcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
BILL BAILEYHow many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
BILL BAILEYDo not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.
BILL BAILEYThree blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
BILL BAILEYI tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you’ve got to admire the workmanship.
BILL BAILEYThe reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.
BILL BAILEYWhy do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying ‘Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.’
BILL BAILEY