Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
BILL BAILEYSo many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
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Stupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”
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I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’
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So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
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I try to appreciate the simple things. I’ve just been camping with my son and I enjoyed that just as much if not more than a holiday in a posh hotel. I like making a cup of tea and bacon sarnie in the morning.
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I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.
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It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.
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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
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At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time.
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
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I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
BILL BAILEY