I’m sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.
BILL BAILEYI spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people’s doors and running away. God that was a good game.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
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There’s more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
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Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says “Why the long face?”. The horse replies: “I’m deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.”
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I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
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Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
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In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we’re united and enjoy life – Without unity we are victims. Stay united.
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Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying ‘Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.’
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Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, “Hullo, we’re out of milk. I say mother, where’s the milk?”
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I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
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