“You gotta lose ’em some of the time. When you do, lose ’em right.”

I don’t know if he throws a spitball but he sure spits on the ball.

If I’ve got a good pinch-hitter, I hate to have him stay on the bench with men on the bases in an early inning. He may end the game right there.

Finding good players is easy. Getting them to play as a team is another story.

Never make predictions, especially about the future.

No baseball pitcher would be worth a darn without a catcher who could handle the hot fastball.

Everybody line up alphabetically according to your height.

I was not successful as a ball player, as it was a game of skill.

Don’t cut my throat, I may want to do that later myself.

You got to get twenty-seven outs to win.

The trick is growing up without growing old.

Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player. It’s staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.

The trouble with women umpires is that I couldn’t argue with one. I’d put my arms around her and give her a little kiss.

The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided.

Son, we’d like to keep you around this season but we’re going to try and win a pennant.

Sure I played, did you think I was born at the age of 70 sitting in a dugout trying to manage guys like you?

The secret of successful managing is to keep the five guys who hate you away from the four guys who haven’t made up their minds.

You gotta watch out for the moms.

You gotta learn that if you don’t get it by midnight, chances are you ain’t gonna get it, and if you do, it ain’t worth it.

You gotta have a pocket square, I think.

To be the man, you gotta beat the man!

I gotta keep busy. I’m not happy unless I’m working on two, three things.

So that’s why one of my rules of parody writing is that it’s gotta be funny regardless of whether you know the source material. It has to work on its own merit.

You gotta have a concrete lawn before I feel comfortable enough to go in and talk to you parents.

I’m for Barack Obama. We gotta have the Muslim cell in there just to piss Rush Limbaugh and the right wing off.