“You can’t fix stupid.”

I get e-mail from all over the world, and from lawyers and doctors and whoever – plumbers and drywall hangers.

If I see someone out there mouthing the words to a bit, I’m not having fun.

I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative.

There have been times in my life that I’ve had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.

The Majestic Theatre in San Antone is as good as it gets.

I was talking to a guy who was holding his 18-month-old daughter with the only limb he had left, and he had a smile on his face. I thought, ‘I’m not even a 10th of this man.’

I consider it an honor and a privilege to give back however I can for the many sacrifices of these incredibly brave men and women.

All I know how to do is take what’s on my mind and spit it out funny. I don’t know what else I could do besides comedy.

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty… mine’s putting in an express lane.

Somebody the other day had a review, called me ‘America’s reprobate.’ And I don’t even know what that means, but I kinda like the way it sounds.

My opening acts are always really strong because I need a guy who can take on a big, big crowd. Which is not that easy to do.

My goal is just to become a better comedian.

I think honest communication, no matter where it comes from, is positive for a relationship.

There’s not a pill you can take; there’s not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.

Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.

The only way to stay sharp is to do live shows. There is no part-time comedy.

Before I left the castle I so fixed its entrances that never more can the Count enter there Undead.

The memories of childhood are like clear candles in an acre of night, illuminating fixed scenes from surrounding darkness.

The aim of every artist is to arrest motion, which is life, by artificial means and hold it fixed so that a hundred years later, when a stranger looks at it, it moves again since it is life.

There is no man more dangerous, in a position of power, than he who refuses to accept as a working truth the idea that all a man does should make for rightness and soundness, that even the fixing of a tariff rate must be moral.

Again two manufacturers may employ the same amount of fixed, and the same amount of circulating capital; but the durability of their fixed capitals may be very unequal.

In my own personal life, God plays a great role in the risk, because I pray before I go into the operating room for every case, and I ask him to give me wisdom, to help me to know what to do – and not only for operating, but for everything.

One characteristic of Americans is that they have no toleration at all of anybody putting up with anything. We believe that whatever is going wrong ought to be fixed.

The aim of every artist is to arrest motion, which is life, by artificial means and hold it fixed so that a hundred years later, when a stranger looks at it, it moves again since it is life.