“I’ve been married a few times. I’m not good at it.”

I really understood a lot more about comedy after listening to Bill Hicks, who died at 32 years old. He’s probably the best comedian who ever lived. Although you can’t say that because of Carlin, Cosby and Pryor.

Donald Trump – and I don’t dislike Donald one single bit – has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels.

I go to more open mic nights than open mikers.

You can tell on-stage when a joke’s starting to lose its pop. It doesn’t mean people don’t want to hear it anymore; it means I don’t want to do it anymore. Because I want to move on to something that has a knee-jerk reaction just like you get when you tell somebody a joke that they’ve never heard.

People are saying that I’m an alcoholic, and that’s not true, because I only drink when I work, and I’m a workaholic.

There’s no idea or concept in comedy you could do that hasn’t been attacked from some angle. But if you start leaving punchlines out so you’ll look cool, I don’t get that. But I don’t watch standup anyway, so I don’t know what they’re doing.

My life has been wild enough to derive all of the stories you need out of it. I’ve been through many, many years of behavioral problems, so I don’t really look outside for stories.

A lot of people can find something to laugh at in my humor, I guess.

I was a comedy fan when I was a little kid.

My shows are not all-the-way filthy, but they can be.

If you watch the ‘Blue Collar Comedy Tour,’ don’t expect that when you come see me by myself, ’cause it’s a little rougher.

The only thing I really worry about is my live stand-up show because I have to answer to the fans.

There’s no backlog of people we can fire for no reason and act as if they don’t exist.

I was by far the least popular of the Blue Collar crew when we started. There was a definite pecking order, and everybody knew it.

Comedy is great because there’s no overhead.

I go through about 140 cities a year.

Lead us in a few words of silent prayer.

Because of the fashion, the young people don’t have any access to the history of music, unless people like me revive it. There are very few people to revive it, because you can’t earn any money doing it.

Few things are less comforting than a tiger who’s up too late.

There are very few people who can withstand the losses emotionally and still stick with the system. Probably only one in five hundred people has the necessary discipline to be successful.

If you ever forget you are a Jew a goy will remind you.

l know war as few other men now living know it, and nothing to me is more revolting. I have long advocated its complete abolition as its very destructiveness on both friend and foe has rendered it useless as a means of settling international disputes.

Why, I say, do so few understand and apprehend the internal power?… He who in himself sees all things, is all things.

Speech is the gift of all, but the thought of few.