“If I see someone out there mouthing the words to a bit, I’m not having fun.”

I don’t have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I’m going to keep talking. I can’t imagine a life without doing standup.

People, when they go on stage, tend to be animated and try to force things out instead of relaxing and bringing it in.

I do a lot of gay-friendly stuff in my show, and men, women, they all love it. I practice non-judgment in my daily life and hope other people do the same thing.

I had the right to remain silent… but I didn’t have the ability.

Diamonds – that’ll shut her up… for a minute!

That’s the beauty of being a straight-to-DVD star. It really helps you stay under the media’s radar.

I write these shows one joke at a time. There’s no continuity. I do try to figure an order to the stories, but there’s not continuity.

A killer Cuban restaurant with a giant cigar bar. Have me a Cuban sandwich. That’s just like heaven to me. I’m a simple man.

I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative. If you’re a painter and someone stretches your canvas, it was collaborative on some level.

The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can’t even spell. I don’t even have a high school diploma. I’m smart, but you can’t prove it on paper.

Everybody I know is a joke writer.

Comedy is all about the pause.

You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.

I guarantee there’s people who watch television who have no idea how complicated it is to make a television show.

I don’t like to do material people have heard. Now, they like to hear material that they know, because that’s the stuff that made me famous, and, unfortunately, I don’t do a ton of it.

I don’t watch Comedy Central. I don’t enjoy it.

If we see suffering then we don’t have suffering.

Why do we have time to breathe? Because we see the importance of the breath.

If suffering arises you must contemplate right there, you don’t have to run away.

I would say that it’s important and probably crucial, but I wouldn’t say that everyone has to have it.

The contrasts between the haves and have-nots is so complicated.

You have to invent a book of rules of what you can do and what you can’t do.

Without amendments we would never even have had the Bill of Rights.

You can point to these things, and you can have that assurance.