“Everybody I know is a joke writer.”

If I see someone out there mouthing the words to a bit, I’m not having fun.

I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative.

There have been times in my life that I’ve had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.

The Majestic Theatre in San Antone is as good as it gets.

I was talking to a guy who was holding his 18-month-old daughter with the only limb he had left, and he had a smile on his face. I thought, ‘I’m not even a 10th of this man.’

I consider it an honor and a privilege to give back however I can for the many sacrifices of these incredibly brave men and women.

All I know how to do is take what’s on my mind and spit it out funny. I don’t know what else I could do besides comedy.

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty… mine’s putting in an express lane.

Somebody the other day had a review, called me ‘America’s reprobate.’ And I don’t even know what that means, but I kinda like the way it sounds.

My opening acts are always really strong because I need a guy who can take on a big, big crowd. Which is not that easy to do.

My goal is just to become a better comedian.

I think honest communication, no matter where it comes from, is positive for a relationship.

There’s not a pill you can take; there’s not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.

Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.

The only way to stay sharp is to do live shows. There is no part-time comedy.

Any time someone achieves success before they’ve earned it, it always comes back to haunt them.

I love everybody. Each one plays the role they have to play, but in the spiritual arena there are people who are even closer to me than that.

Everybody insists that freedom is what they want the most, the most sacred and precious thing a man can possess. But that’s bullshit! People are terrified to be set free – they hold on to their chains.

I love everybody. Each one plays the role they have to play.

I keep wondering if everybody on the political left had someone who they were separated at birth from.

I’m not a big fan of talking about dying. And then I make a movie where I kill everybody.

When there’s a status quo, usually what shakes everybody up is some sort of military confrontation, at which point we all come running and screaming to pick up the pieces.

Chemical weapons are something that scares everybody.

Love everybody, serve everybody.