“Any time someone achieves success before they’ve earned it, it always comes back to haunt them.”

The only thing I really worry about is my live stand-up show because I have to answer to the fans.

There’s no backlog of people we can fire for no reason and act as if they don’t exist.

I was by far the least popular of the Blue Collar crew when we started. There was a definite pecking order, and everybody knew it.

Comedy is great because there’s no overhead.

I go through about 140 cities a year.

My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan – thin, slow, and it leaks.

I didn’t get where I am today by worryin’ about how I’d feel tomorrow.

I could do no wrong in my mother’s eyes from the day I was born. My fans bought her a very nice house in San Antonio, and she has a great life.

I’ve never been one to look up the ladder. I’ve always looked down the ladder. As long as there’s one guy down there, I’m fine.

I’ve been married a few times. I’m not good at it.

If you become famous and don’t have a live show to back it up, they’re not going to pay you any money.

I’ve asked these guys in rock bands with all the 18-wheelers driving to the venue how they make money. I just don’t understand it. But I don’t understand a lot of things.

I don’t know who in my family thinks very fast at all, including me. The things that people see me do onstage are written, so it doesn’t have to be very quick if you have all day with a pen.

The next time you have a thought… let it go.

You can teach somebody how to be a brain surgeon, but you cannot teach them how to walk on a stage and make people laugh.

When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.

Goodness is achieved not in a vacuum, but in the company of other men, attended by love.

Setting a goal is not the main thing. It is deciding how you will go about achieving it and staying with that plan.

Leadership is getting someone to do what they don’t want to do, to achieve what they want to achieve.

Generally, achieving goals… which in many cases means winning… is really the ultimate in this life we live in.

In winter, the stars seem to have rekindled their fires, the moon achieves a fuller triumph, and the heavens wear a look of a more exalted simplicity.

I think it’s a cool thing to have kids look up to me and to know that it doesn’t matter, your background or your ethnic background. If you have goals and dreams, you can achieve them.

Governing today means giving acceptable signs of credibility. It is like advertising and it is the same effect that is achieved – commitment to a scenario.

All I ever wanted out of my life was to buy my mother a house. By 1995, I have achieved all I wanted materially in life.