“I loved listening to laughter even as a little kid.”

My biggest pet peeve, I guess, is other comedians criticizing Larry the Cable Guy.

I want my fans to feel like we’re always in touch. Because without ’em, I wouldn’t be able to do any of this.

Pace, rhythm and timing. Pace, rhythm and timing is what it’s about. The content’s got to be great, but then it’s got to be delivered. It’s a tricky thing to do, and it takes a lot of work.

You can’t fix stupid.

I don’t do talk shows or go on Dr. Phil’s show. He’s a friend of mine, and, no, he doesn’t give me any advice. He doesn’t give solicited advice.

But I work harder now because I have so much more exposure. And actually the harder you work as a writer, the better you get at it. It’s like anything else. It’s a muscle you have to exercise. I write more now than ever.

As long as I stay engaged with everybody else, then I’ll create more comedy. It’s just when I shut off and stay at home… What helps me is just to keep moving.

Let’s face it: a lot of my material comes from the stuff that happens to me on the road.

I’d rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.

I’ve got a great cigar collection – it’s actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn’t going to smoke every last one of ’em.

Mother, she likes the blue material just fine.

Television is 15 hour days. Movies are 18 hour days. And it’s 18 hours of doing not a thing.

You know, my first album, some of those jokes I’d done for twelve years because I couldn’t throw ’em out.

I really understood a lot more about comedy after listening to Bill Hicks, who died at 32 years old. He’s probably the best comedian who ever lived. Although you can’t say that because of Carlin, Cosby and Pryor.

Donald Trump – and I don’t dislike Donald one single bit – has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels.

I go to more open mic nights than open mikers.

Live right, he reminded himself, and have faith that good things will flow from you even if you never learn of them.

Even if she be not harmed, her heart may fail her in so much and so many horrors; and hereafter she may suffer–both in waking, from her nerves, and in sleep, from her dreams.

Do you believe in destiny? That even the powers of time can be altered for a single purpose? That the luckiest man who walks on this earth is the one who finds… true love?

I believe that things are always going to work out, even if in the beginning it doesn’t look like they are working out. I know in the long run they are going to work out, and it’s going to be fine.

I know now that what makes a fool is an inability to take even his own good advice.

The nature of power is such that even those who have not sought it, but have had it forced upon them, tend to acquire a taste for more.

Even if you’re Bill Gates, you’ve got problems. I’m sure he would probably easily give a few billion dollars to get rid of all the problems that he has.

And even a liar can be scared into telling the truth, same as honest man can be tortured into telling a lie.