“Don’t bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.”

If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don’t teach him to subtract teach him to deduct.

Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully.

Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.

When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.

Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.

Success didn’t spoil me, I’ve always been insufferable.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.

Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

I don’t think there’s been anything in the game of football in my lifetime that has changed college football more than redshirting.

My mom was very strict. She didn’t let me watch anything rated R or anything with cussing.

I played so long ago, I don’t think anybody even knew you could transfer. I don’t think they knew anything about it.

Export anything to a friendly country except American management.

Being true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the mark of a fake messiah.

As a child, I was aware of the widely-held attitude that the ocean is so big, so resilient that we could use the sea as the ultimate place to dispose of anything.

Like a shipwreck or a jetty, almost anything that forms a structure in the ocean, whether it is natural or artificial over time, collects life.

We certainly don’t want them to do anything that’s going to affect themselves in an adverse way or affect our program, our university, or our team in an adverse way.