“I was really unhappy. I had a great job that I should have loved, yet I was miserable. I slowly realized that was because I wasn’t performing. So I just tried stand-up and fell in love with it after one performance.”

When I was young I thought, ‘Yeah, people don’t see, they’re not recognizing how funny I am, and how talented I am’. And the guys that mentored me were like, ‘

I started out being a stand up and writing my own material. That took me to Talk Soup, where I was writing and performing for TV.

So I think the longer you do stand-up, the more comfortable you are. You stop wanting to hide your foibles and instead want to show who you are.

I will say that stand-up is my first love; it’s how I got started and is in my bones.

Pop culture is great, but it can be bad, at times.

I like to be nice. I want to be a hero. I want to save people. Or just kill zombies, because they deserve it, because they’re already dead and they can’t feel it. They don’t have feelings.

I always wanted to be as busy as possible so that if one job went away I’d still have plenty of other things to do.

Comedy is ugly. It’s honest, it’s raw.

I do not actually DO these things, but I see myself doing them, and that is almost MORE satisfying, because I am also lying down.

Karaoke is the great equalizer.

When one is undone—sprawled across the cold tile of a public bathroom in a pool of one’s own vomit, or shivering in the back of a taxi in a pair of urine-soaked skinny jeans with no money for cab fare and a dead cell phone battery.

Whereas regular people tend to run away – because the embarrassing story is always going to be the really funny story.

I’ve always been a gamer, and I had a period where I was gaming at a really hardcore level.

Marriage is a mystery and part of it is just being kind to each other, not being selfish.

I think I was only attracted to drunken douches before I got married.

I wish I could say I’m an architect and planned it this way, foresaw doing all these things, but honestly, I’ve been lucky that things have come across my path and they’ve worked out well for me.

Everything just kind of fell in my lap at a young age. Things were thrown at me very fast.

When a man fell into his anecdotage it was a sign for him to retire from the world.

The distinction between children and adults, while probably useful for some purposes, is at bottom a specious one, I feel. There are only individual egos, crazy for love.

When I was a teenager, that was when I fell in love with music. It affected me in a deep way. That’s why I love having teenagers at our shows.

Whatever fells your mind is what you are. So, feel loving and peaceful for no reason at all.

And a perpetual loss I feel if, knowing, I believe a falsehood or deny the truth.

Hey Nana, If Cinderella’s glass slipper fits so perfectly, I wonder why it fell off along the way?

Quick as lightning Wild Bill pulled his revolver. The stranger fell dead, shot through the brain.