“The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.”

We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

Is it [hunting] really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn’t know a game is going on?

Death is nature’s way of killing you.

In an average moral universal society, good people will try to do the right thing, and psychotic people will do wicked things. But if you want to make good people do wicked things, you need them to be religious.

Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.

You can always tell when Obama’s negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he’s missing his watch and his lunch money.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

The First Amendment was specifically designed for citizens to insult politicians. Libel laws were written to protect law students speaking out on political issues from getting called whores by Oxycontin addicts.

Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.’

Things aren’t right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?

Let’s face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.

A new cologne is coming out. It’s for cowboys, and it’s made from cow’s manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!

During the Depression, or back when we were fighting Hitler, people didn’t have time to sue a company if the coffee was too hot. There were urgent, pressing problems. If you think you have it tough, read history books.

If you think you have it tough, read history books.

Boys, you must strive to find your own voice, because the longer you wait to begin the less likely you are to find it at all.

I’ve become skeptical of the unwritten rule that just because a boy and girl appear in the same feature, a romance must ensue.

A boy and a girl, dressed in the T-shirts and denim that are the shabby uniform of this age.

From when I was a young boy, I read books on weapons and tanks and combat. I was so interested in the army.

From when I was a young boy, I read books on weapons and tanks and combat. I was so interested in the army.

Boys laugh at what they put girls through – but they won’t be laughing when – they’re wiping tears off their daughters face for the same reason.

A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.

It is easier to build a boy than to mend a man.