The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he’s the only one in the world who treats me like I’m the Beatles.
BILL MAHERThe church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
More Bill Maher Quotes
-
-
To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I Agree’.
BILL MAHER -
Faith means the purposeful suspension of critical thinking. It’s nothing to be admired.
BILL MAHER -
In America, you’re allowed to justify almost any kind of bigotry, sexism, or intolerance if you source it to God’s big book of bad ideas.
BILL MAHER -
A new cologne is coming out. It’s for cowboys, and it’s made from cow’s manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!
BILL MAHER -
If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope.
BILL MAHER -
Denying racism is the new racism.
BILL MAHER -
The younger generation is supposed to rage against the machine, not for it. They’re supposed to question authority, not question those who question authority.
BILL MAHER -
If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?
BILL MAHER -
Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in ‘Dancing with the Stars.’
BILL MAHER -
Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?
BILL MAHER -
If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.
BILL MAHER -
We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
BILL MAHER -
We had a national tragedy this week, and the President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal.
BILL MAHER -
You can always tell when Obama’s negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he’s missing his watch and his lunch money.
BILL MAHER -
Jim Bakker spells his name with two k’s because three would be too obvious.
BILL MAHER -
To those people who say, ‘My father is alive because of animal experimentation,’ I say, ‘Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live.’ Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade-off.
BILL MAHER -
When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.
BILL MAHER -
Hot women have to stop putting long paragraphs of text on their bodies. I know you think it’s sexy but one thing that men never think is, “Gee, you know what would make this sex better? Having something to read.”
BILL MAHER -
You can’t pray away global warming, and that’s the difference between religious people and sane people.
BILL MAHER -
If you want to get rich with a tax free enterprise that sells nothing, start a church.
BILL MAHER -
People have to stop saying that just because someone is an anti-gay activist they might be gay. They’re DEFINITELY GAY!!
BILL MAHER -
Emergency rooms will be used the way they were intended to be used: not for primary care, but for when the average freaky American get some strange object up his ass.
BILL MAHER -
You know, there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time, husband!!!
BILL MAHER -
They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed.
BILL MAHER -
I feel terrible for a Palestinian child who dies. But, if it’s your father, your brother or your uncle who was firing those rockets into Israel, whose fault is it really? Do you really expect the Israelis not to retaliate?
BILL MAHER -
I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.
BILL MAHER