Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
TIM ALLENI do a lot of family shows.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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I’m sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.
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Man is the only animal to borrow tools.
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I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
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Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
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If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, let’s be fair, that means you’ve got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you’ve done. It’s okay to say, “God, I wish I’d done this; yeah, but I did do that.” Then it kind of balances out.
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Boys can be disgusting. You can’t leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We’re just obnoxious.
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Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
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There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.
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I used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that’s a good thing.
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Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
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Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom.
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Dog’s listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.
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All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.
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When you’re 6 or 7, your father becomes this wonderful presence in your life. I really responded to my father. And then, the very moment I realized that I loved him unconditionally, that life was going to be great just because he was in it, he was gone.
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I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I’ve never gotten over it.
TIM ALLEN






