“When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.”

Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.

When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’

You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.

I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.

I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.

You have competition every day because you set such high standards for yourself that you have to go out every day and live up to that.

We’d achieve more if we chase the dream instead of the competition.

I’m playing against great players, playing against the best in the world. The competition-that’s what I’ve always wanted.

You can’t look at the competition and say you’re going to do it better. You have to look at the competition and say you’re going to do it differently.

Your employees are your company’s real competitive advantage. They’re the ones making the magic happen-so long as their needs are being met.

Think of business as a good game. Lots of competition and a minimum of rules. You keep score with money.

It’s the knowledge derived from information that gives you a competitive edge.

I am not in competition with anyone but myself. My goal is to improve myself continuously.