The younger generation is supposed to rage against the machine, not for it. They’re supposed to question authority, not question those who question authority.
BILL MAHERIn the Republican party, crazy is a constituency.
More Bill Maher Quotes
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Death is nature’s way of killing you.
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Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.
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If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope.
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To those people who say, ‘My father is alive because of animal experimentation,’ I say, ‘Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live.’ Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade-off.
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Anyone who tells you that they know, they just know what happens when you die, I promise you, you dont. How can I be so sure? Because I dont know and you do not possess mental powers that I do not.
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God knows life sucks. It’s right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, “I can’t take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me.”
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The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed.
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The Drug War is an addiction, really.
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People have to stop saying that just because someone is an anti-gay activist they might be gay. They’re DEFINITELY GAY!!
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The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
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You can’t pray away global warming, and that’s the difference between religious people and sane people.
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What I believe in is love your neighbor as yourself and don’t call him stupid because they don’t agree with you politically.
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If you believe Jesus ever had a good word for war or torture or tax cuts for the rich, or raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as well believe bunnies lay painted eggs.
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To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I Agree’.
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Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.
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Like it or not, we’re still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation.
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You can always tell when Obama’s negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he’s missing his watch and his lunch money.
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Who takes care of their people better? FEMA or Hezbollah?
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Let’s face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?
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Have you ever met a war you didn’t love? I’m asking, is there any place you don’t want to intervene in?
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The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.
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The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, ‘You know what? Let’s just grab lunch.’
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Don’t get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.
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If conservatives get to call universal healthcare ‘socialized medicine,’ I get to call private, for-profit healthcare ‘soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.’
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Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News.
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The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.
BILL MAHER