“I’m actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.”

Nothing’s as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.

My dad’s death reminds me of earthquakes – things that shake your foundation.

A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.

Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, “And let there be aluminum siding.” Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree’s on a golf course, all the better.

I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody’s car.

I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.

I do a lot of family shows.

Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.

Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?

I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it’s one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they’re going to want something from me I can’t give, or they’re going to hurt me.

I love doing logos. I’ve been a graphic artist all my life.

The world’s a mean place. It’s unfair, then it’s fair. It’s hateful, then it’s loving. It’s a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.

In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.

In my experience, it’s all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.

Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.

I’ve gotten so far past the Android and iPhones that I’m back to a flip-phone. It’s funny, you can buy antique flip-phones online. A lot of us collect them. Clearly, they’re considered antiques.

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, ‘What’s in it for me?’

Social media is like ancient Egypt: writing things on walls and worshiping cats.

Cat’s are unpredictable. It is a fine line between the cure, inquisitive and innocent creature resting on our lap and the hissing, spitting and deranged banshee it might become at any moment. This is why we’re trying always to win their love.

One reason cats are happier than people is that they have no newspapers.

The cat would eat fish but would not get her feet wet.

Why so scrawny, cat? Starving for fat fish or mice… Or backyard love?

If you have a dog or a cat, you know how developed they can be. How sensitive, how aware. They suffer. We all do.

I love cats because I enjoy my home; and little by little, they become its visible soul.