Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
EMO PHILIPSMy mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
EMO PHILIPS