I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
EMO PHILIPSMy mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
EMO PHILIPS






