I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
EMO PHILIPSI’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
EMO PHILIPS