Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.
TIM ALLENWomen now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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I have always enjoyed do-it-yourself projects, .. Being in a position to actually help design and bring tools to market is an incredible opportunity. Being able to fund charities as a result is phenomenal.
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Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, “And let there be aluminum siding.” Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree’s on a golf course, all the better.
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Men often do things for women that they don’t want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don’t want to do.
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Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?
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I’m actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.
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I do a lot of family shows.
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Before Kady was born, I didn’t think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are nice, play with them, put them in the closet until the next time.
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My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
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I am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.
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I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)
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I think there’s a percentage that don’t realize, that don’t know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It’s more of a it’s not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
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When somebody tells you they’re not very smart, they’re saying exactly the opposite.
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Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.
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Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
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For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.
TIM ALLEN