I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, “Dad’s an idiot,” which lasted a little longer than I’d like.
TIM ALLENI used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that’s a good thing.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.
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Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
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While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
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To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of the TV and don’t move. He’ll talk to you. I promise.
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The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas – where it’s a beautiful theater – is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.
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I’m sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.
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I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It’s not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I’ll do it because it’s a moment that will stick with me forever.
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All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.
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I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.
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If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, let’s be fair, that means you’ve got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you’ve done. It’s okay to say, “God, I wish I’d done this; yeah, but I did do that.” Then it kind of balances out.
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But separate a man from his car – that’s inhuman.
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I have a thing for tools.
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I think there’s a percentage that don’t realize, that don’t know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It’s more of a it’s not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
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If you don’t decide where you’re going, life will decide for you.
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I do a lot of family shows.
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I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
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I’m one of these guys that just spoils the environment. I like ATVs and snowmobiles. I have a motorcycle up there, and I like cruising through the hills.
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I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)
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Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.
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The ego is like a kid in the basement: It’s best to keep him busy.
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Boys can be disgusting. You can’t leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We’re just obnoxious.
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My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
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Dog’s listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.
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Real men don’t use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer’s opinion on how to put this together.
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I’ve gotten so far past the Android and iPhones that I’m back to a flip-phone. It’s funny, you can buy antique flip-phones online. A lot of us collect them. Clearly, they’re considered antiques.
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Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
TIM ALLEN