Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.
TIM ALLENAll men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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But separate a man from his car – that’s inhuman.
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Men often do things for women that they don’t want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don’t want to do.
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To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of the TV and don’t move. He’ll talk to you. I promise.
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I grew up around hunters. I love guns, bows, arrows, compasses and binoculars. I don’t do any of that stuff, I just like the stuff. I shot one animal, in my life, and I didn’t like it. If I had to skin an animal to eat it, I’d probably eat vegetables.
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You don’t know what people are really like until they’re under a lot of stress.
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Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.
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In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.
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The world’s a mean place. It’s unfair, then it’s fair. It’s hateful, then it’s loving. It’s a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.
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There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.
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The ego is like a kid in the basement: It’s best to keep him busy.
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When somebody tells you they’re not very smart, they’re saying exactly the opposite.
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Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
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I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.
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A car crossed two lanes of traffic, flipped, and landed on my dad’s car. I don’t blame cars. My dad loved cars. I don’t have many memories of my dad. The love of cars is all I have of him, really.
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Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.
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I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)
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I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
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Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.
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Man is the only animal to borrow tools.
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I love doing logos. I’ve been a graphic artist all my life.
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If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, let’s be fair, that means you’ve got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you’ve done. It’s okay to say, “God, I wish I’d done this; yeah, but I did do that.” Then it kind of balances out.
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I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It’s not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I’ll do it because it’s a moment that will stick with me forever.
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Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
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As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.
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For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.
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Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
TIM ALLEN