“Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer: You can do it, just not as well as the others, really.”

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

You have to break in half to love somebody.

Please, don’t worry so much. Because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting.

She is not perfect. You are not perfect. The question is whether or not you are perfect for each other.

Gentlemen, haven’t we learned anything from the music of John Lennon? All we need is love.

If heaven exists, to know that there’s laughs, that would be a great thing.

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

Good people end up in Hell because they can’t forgive themselves.

Sometimes the mask we wear is simply just a smile.

Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. Some get it as a graduation gift.

Politics is so personal, vicious and immediate, how are you going to get anything done? Even the local politics where I live have gotten so ugly.

Poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.

There’s a world out there. Open a window, and it’s there.

When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person.

Don’t associate yourself with toxic people. It’s better to be alone and love yourself than surrounded by people that make you hate yourself.

I’m very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful.

Talking to a drunk person was like talking to an extremely happy, severely brain-damaged three-year-old.

Liquor is the chloroform which enables the poor man to endure the painful operation of living.

Great wine requires a mad man to grow the vine, a wise man to watch over it, a lucid poet to make it, and a lover to drink it.

Let me be the first to tell you, drinking alcohol is the worst thing to do in cold weather. Hot soup is the best because the process of digesting food helps to warm you up.

Wine is a terrible foe, hard to wrestle with.

I have better use for my brain than to poison it with alcohol. To put alcohol in the human brain is like putting sand in the bearings of an engine.

Did I used to have a drinking problem?